The impact we have on our children is massive. I know that feels like a weight to carry. That’s because it is. I know that is anxiety raising. But let’s use it as information to do the best we can.
As parents we have to show up for our children, which means getting good at managing our own feelings. Phrases like, ‘They’ll survive, ‘Your behaviour is embarrassing’ and You’ll just have to get used to it’ are, quite frankly, damaging. Not because they’re untrue, but because when our children hear those seemingly harmless words, they will feel isolated, alone, shamed, blamed and maybe threatened. These are hard things to hear. These moments sit in the background, informing our children what to expect from us and their relationships with others. They’ll sit in the background, forming our children’s beliefs about who they are, trust and what relationships look like. These phrases spring from our mouths almost instinctively, because it’s what we heard as children. We struggle to hold the words back because we’re feeling big, uncomfortable feelings ourselves. It’s tough, but here are some good reasons to start working on your own emotional regulation (I promise you, you can do it):
But there’s something to remember. They’ll be times when it’s hard and your efforts to stay calm amongst your child’s big feelings don’t work. It’s OK. It’s good enough that you’re trying and you’re doing it a lot of the time. There’s a magic word you can say to your child when this happens. That word is ‘sorry’. There's a lot of power in that one little word.
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3rd – 9th February 2020 is Child Mental Health Week and the theme is Find your Brave, which is a fabulous topic to discuss and raise awareness. Children (and adults too!) often think that being brave is something that confident and super successful people achieve with ease. But that’s far from the truth. When people are being brave, they don’t even feel brave. Usually, children associate brave with being fearless. Helping them to understand that brave is usually accompanied by anxiety, nerves and fear is a great foundation to them believing they are braver than they think! As a child, I wasn’t taught the difference and so to me, everyone seemed to be braver than I was. I was such an anxious child that I was actually being brave daily! And when I really was being brave, I often heard phrases like, “see, it wasn’t that hard was it?” It’s the way parents parented in the 1980’s, but a simple rephrasing would have been far more empowering and a confidence boost for me (see suggestions below).
Bravery looks different to each of us. Our experiences form the way we respond emotionally, so one person might have to dig deeper for courage than another in the same situation. Being brave isn’t only about facing challenges, but also about saying no or disagreeing with someone. This could be especially true for children under peer pressure. In this case, following their gut feeling could show real courage. This could easily be interpreted as being scared or weak unless we empower them with knowledge and celebrate their brave moments. Here’s some suggestions to help you talk to your child about bravery:
And here’s some things you could say to empower your child to help them find their brave:
Being brave is closely linked to having a growth mindset. When children don’t fear failing and are willing to have a go, they really can find their brave. And when you empathise with them and talk about times you’ve been brave too, they’ll feel the safety and security they need to step out of their comfort zone. Do you feel like you get swept up in the wave of the silly season? Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Christmas and there is something so magical about being a parent during the festive build up. Almost relieving your own childhood Christmases through your children. But, its manic, fever pitched at times and by the time I get to Christmas itself there’s always an element of looking forward to the quiet patch between Christmas and New Year to recover. I’m sure there’s a better way! A calmer way. A festive season full of lovely moments with the family and a less frazzled mama.
So, here’s some top tips I’ve come up with to help you have a very merry, calm and connected Christmas:
Have fabulous festive, family time! Wishing you all a very, Merry and calm Christmas! In 2010 my daughter arrived and with years of teaching experience behind me, where I had excelled and made fantastic connections with so many students, I believed I’d have the parenting thing down to a fine art. I naively believed that I would have control over her experiences and our relationship. The authoritative approach that society says adults should take with children was so deeply instilled in me from my own childhood and my years teaching, that I also believed that no matter what her character, I would say jump and she would do just that.
Her baby years were straight forward, and she was a textbook baby, sleeping well, eating well and smashing through her milestones without batting an eyelid. Lucky us! I took this as evidence for what I wanted to be true; I had this parenting thing down! But during her toddler years I realised that something didn’t feel right. There were more battles than I was comfortable with and too many occasions where I felt I was being judged or she was being judged, and I questioned how good a mother I was. I slowly crept towards anxiety, high, unrealistic expectations and punishment-based discipline I’ve always had an intuitive nature and the ‘it’s just a phase’ advice wasn’t resonating. Logically it just made no sense to just keep doing the same thing and getting the same results. I needed to look deeper. I needed to look deeper within myself, but I also needed to understand my daughter better. Being her mother did not automatically make me an expert in her psychology. That is something we must work for and even then, our children get to grant us that privilege (something they are more likely to grant us if we work to REALLY understand them). I read ‘How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk’ and that is where my self improvement journeybecause of motherhood began. Reading that first book opened my mind to the fact that connecting with a child is such a crucial element of supporting their emotional development. To acknowledge their emotion and say, ‘You’re feeling upset’ naming whatever the emotion is, is so simple, yet so powerful. In those moments when big emotions are overwhelming and a bit scary, hearing that mum or dad understands is a safety net. It’s feeling relieved that someone else knows what’s happening inside you when you don’t. It’s knowing you are not alone. It’s relaxing into the arms of someone who is showing you unconditional love. It’s learning not to be afraid of feelings. Many books later and I was a different mother. I felt empowered. Certainly not perfect, but armed with knowledge that meant less battles, confident, positive parenting and an extremely emotionally aware young child. But it was when I came across The Highly Sensitive Child that I could answers to questions I didn’t even know I was looking for. It was this book that taught me so much more about my daughter, filling in gaps in my knowledge and enabling me to connect with her on a whole new level. Now I see the world through her eyes and that gives me the perspective I need to help her with anxiety and other situations that she finds uncomfortable, for example, absorbing the difficult emotions of others, such as an upset, angry teacher or friend or an anxious relative. Learning about the complex depths of my daughter’s character have really taught me to support her in real, helpful ways that suit HER reality, not with clichés, soundbites or what my own opinion tells me she should feel or do. I’ve learned to accept that I can influence her experiences and therefore have huge responsibility over her beliefs, values and actions but essentially she is who she is and will be who she wants to be, not who I dreamt she might be, as I cradled her when she was 2 days old, on our first night at home. Learning about her emotions and their triggers has been a lesson in never judging a book by its cover. It’s also provided lessons in outdated parenting styles, how people expect more of children than they do themselves and how adults are prepared, unconsciously in most cases, to negatively impact a child’s emotional development in exchange for their own emotional comfort. This incredible 9-year journey has so far shown me that, like any relationship we are in, it takes both of us to nurture it and my responsibility, as the adult, is to find out howto best nourish us both. We must find our own ways to guide our relationships with our children in the right direction, with respect and calm, but not without boundaries. Discovering my daughter is a highly sensitive child has taught me so much, but above all its taught me that all any of us want is to feel connected and understood. When. we allow ourselves to understand that we all experience the world differently in small or massive ways, we can truly accept, connect and enjoy each other. I’ve always been interested in child psychology and assessing children’s attainment and cognitive development. As a teacher this was always a strength of mine. But my motherhood journey has taught me more than I could ever have anticipated and I think it's made me a better person. It's certainly made me a more patient, content, accepting and grateful one! Parenthood changes us but doesn’t award us instant knowledge about the little people that we are gifted with. It does however, give us a chance (if we choose to use it as such) to grow as a person, learning more about people, relationships and ourselves with clarity, awareness and understanding that can be confronting but so liberating at the same time. Never under estimate what your child can teach you. Just look a little deeper.
The approach parents are using to deal with challenging behaviour is changing. Or at least the beliefs we hold about discipline are changing. After all, we are human and have our own emotional responses, which means that for some parents’ positive discipline is an ideal that feels right in theory but is tough to implement. Hashtag mum guilt. Increasingly modern motherhood feels the weight of responsibility that is attached to challenging behaviour because of the impact on children’s well-being. In contrast, grandparents mutter comments about ‘letting them get away with it’. We are the generation caught up between our own experiences of being parented and the research that means we know better. It takes effort, but knowing we are all products of our experiences means we owe it not only to our kids, but also our grandchildren, their kids and so on, to be the generation of parents that make the change. Because the positive ripple effect we would have on emotional well-being and mindset will be a legacy we can be proud of.
So why connection before correction? What impact will positively disciplining our children have? 1. Environment to grow When we connect with our children, rather than lecture or shame them, we give them a place to feel supported and safe, even when they make mistakes. This means they can really learn from difficult feelings or wrong choices. 2. Build trust Connection builds trust. When children know they can come to parents with problems and big emotions, the relationship is based on honesty, openness and trust. In the midst of emotional chaos, our children are in flight or flight. Punishment in these circumstances doesn’t appeal to a child’s thinking brain. Instead it leads to isolation, confusion and insecurity. 3. Sets the tone for future relationships The way we interact with our children teaches them about relationships. When we use connection and positive discipline, we are modelling a relationship that consists of respect, listening, understanding, compromise, sharing and validation. 4. Positive impact on brain development and emotional awareness Brains are super complex and continually rewired through interactions and experiences, so it goes without saying that the more positive our interactions the better! That’s not to say we should wrap our kids up in cotton wool. But we can, however, support their brain development by giving them the tools their brains need to process emotions and events, so our kids grow a little each time they behave in a challenging way. So, how do we go about discipling our children positively? I think it’s really important that you think about your child and how to apply a conscious approach specifically to their personality and needs. But here are some general pointers:
There's a few books that we recommend in our affiliate links that are super helpful to any parents looking to develop and improve their positive approach to parenting. These books are full of useful tips and give such good insight into the psychology of a child's developing mind.
The Whole Brain Child.
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The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read (and your children will be glad that you did).
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*As an amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases.
Were you ever told as a child to 'just ignore them', when you sought help with friendship issues? How helpful were those words?
Childhood friendships can seem trivial to adults. Arguments over small things or differences of opinion can cause big problems for little people who are developing social skills, and it's tempting to roll our eyes or take the attitude of letting it blow over. But when other children confuse, hurt or upset your child, you are presented with an opportunity to teach them some important lessons and help them grow emotionally. Let's look at how we, as a parents, can use friendship issues in a positive way: 1. We can teach our kids that people see things differently. It is human nature to experience the same event differently to another person. Our past experiences affect how we react emotionally in the present, so a friend who reacts defensively during a playground game may look like they are simply spoiling the game to other children. But it is quite possible they are reacting to a negative associated memory. For example, take a child who is tagged but refuses to be 'it' during a game of Tag. This is confusing for other children who are playing by the rules as, after all, being tagged is the name of the game! But this defensive child is probably reacting to more than just being tagged. They may have been teased in a previous game, they may perceive being tagged as 'losing' or maybe they're struggling with a sense of isolation that being tagged gives them! Helping your child understand that there are reasons behind the behaviour of others not only helps them develop empathy, but can also help stop cycles of emotional reactions and misunderstandings between friends, meaning they can essentially lessen the intensity of conflicts. It's not about justifying the behaviour of other children. It's about teaching our own children that we experience life differently. 2. We can protect our child's self-esteem. Many children will find it difficult to identify why a friend reacts emotionally and in a way that impacts their own feelings. But it's a skill we need to be continuously teaching and one that some children are capable of from a young age. My own 9 year old daughter can easily identify attention seeking behaviour in peers and understands that often it originates from a lack of confidence. She's naturally observant, but through our conversations and questions around friendship challenges, she is developing a valuable ability to spot a friend who is struggling with an emotion. Here's a perfect example: Her: Jessie acts differently and can be a bit mean around Sadie. Me: I wonder why she does that? Her: I think she wants to impress Sadie. Just a simple question had her thinking from her friend's perspective. It led to a conversation about confidence, how some people try and find it in the wrong places and what a good friendship is really about. She saw straight to the centre of the actions that were hurting her feelings and was able to surmise that it wasn't something she needed to let affect her because it simply about her. Self-Esteem is affected by so many things but when a child begins to understand why their friends may be behaving a certain way, their own self esteem and view of themselves is protected a little. When children view themselves positively, they have a good relationship with themselves which translates into their relationships with others. With the quality of our relationships being so crucial to overall happiness, giving children insight in to the behaviour of others becomes so valuable. 3. We can empower our children with confidence to be their own person. Overpowering friends or frenemies usually compensate for a lack of confidence or self esteem in the way they act or treat others. Other children with the same issues may be the opposite and be painful shy or socially anxious. Some children can be easily influenced by overwhelming characters, but we can empower them to be their own person! Teaching kids that those who overpower or bully look to control for validation can make a huge difference. By teaching our children the reality, which is that they are in control and can decide not to give power to another child, we can show them a way that protects them but also forces a frenemy or bully to face their own insecurities. Our children should know that it's not OK to make someone else feel bad so they can pretend their insecurities or issues don't exist. The sooner we teach our children to take power away from the overwhelming characters, bullies and frenemies, the better for their long term confidence. The more incidents of bullying or controlling behaviour that occur, the more evidence our children have for believing negative self talk. So start teaching them young! ... we teach them to be kind to themselves. From all my years of working with kids and mumming, it took little observation to see why some kids can be so unkind to others. And I’m talking about your average kid here. They are very easily caught up with comparison. Something we all do, but it can become destructive if we allow it to feed our emotions. When some kids are unkind to others, it comes from comparing themselves with others, usually because they don’t have a positive image of self. They lack confidence (though they may not appear so), are unsure what their strengths are, focus on things about themselves they see as negative and may even be unable to see what value they bring to others. They might struggle with jealousy, look for validation in the wrong places, be confused or influenced by social dynamics or are doubting themselves, to the point where seeing others feel the same way makes them feel (briefly) better. The hit of power or satisfaction achieved with unkind behaviour doesn’t last and often leaves that child with an even louder negative internal narrative. If we can teach our kids to be kinder to themselves, aware of what is going on for them emotionally and proud to be the only ‘them’ in the world, perhaps we can reduce their urge to compare with others. Then we are surely going to help kids be kind?! The world needs a kinder generation. That begins with us, mamas. Here at Ink and Scribbles HQ, we love creating notebooks and structured journals to help conscious mamas bring improved emotional well-being into their children’s lives. In our device led world, there is a strong argument for connecting children to their thoughts and emotions through a pen in their hand. The benefits of writing for well-being have inspired our own range of notebooks and journals.
Here’s four reasons why writing about thoughts and feelings is good for our kids: 1. SELF AWARENESS AND PERSONAL GROWTH Writing about emotional experiences means paying attention to the details. Telling their ‘story’allows children to order events and make sense of them and within the safety of their journal/notebook, explore perceptions that may be difficult to say out loud. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson talk about the benefits processing emotional events through ‘telling the story’verbally in their book, The Whole Brain Child. When children reach an age where they are able to write, they can gain the same benefits. Cause and effect becomes clearer and children can learn about the ways in which their emotions are triggered, developing self-awareness. During the process of writing, children are also reflecting, allowing them to see things through a different perspective, often learning of an alternative course of action they could take next time. Somehow, writing can give you that light bulb moment, when everything just makes sense. 2. MANAGING EMOTION A study has shown that by writing about an emotion we can actually decrease activity in the amygdala (the part of the brain that instinctively feels and is responsible for activating our fight/flight mode in stressful or anxious situations). The study monitored brain activity throughout the process of writing about feelings and showed that whilst the amygdala activity decreased, activity in the right ventro lateral pre-frontal cortex, where emotions are processed in words, increased. In other words, writing about emotions can literally lessen the intensity of what we are feeling. The study suggests that even simply naming the emotion showed a decrease in amygdala activity. 3.MINDFULNESS Writing about specific moments or events help children pause and reflect. It’s so beneficial for younger children to sit with parents and take the time to de-brief their day, just as adults do when they sit down to relax with a partner or friend in the evening. Older children are more likely to write independently. However your child chooses to reflect, writing diary or using a children’s journal for guidance, can teach children the essential art of pausing. It can also help them declutter their minds at the end of a busy day. Modern childhood is fast paced, and children are susceptible to moving through at such high speed that they don’t have the opportunity to be present and process events thoughtfully. 4. LITERACY SKILLS High literacy levels have been associated with future success in life and improved well-being. The National Literacy Trust found that 8-18 year olds engaged with reading and writing are 3 times more likely to experience mental well-being. Writing about emotions gives children an extremely valuable form of self-expression. In this time, when children’s well-being is of such concern, can we really afford not to encourage our children to journal or keep a diary? |
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AuthorHey! I'm the founder, creator and voice of Ink and Scribbles. Sharing thoughts on child well-being and parenting that are based on my teaching and parenting experience, and NLP learning. |