One Little Person, so much ANGER!

Last week I ran a little poll on my instagram stories, asking what emotion my followers felt their children were struggling with most during the Coronavirus lockdown. The response was anger and irritability. Which isn't that surprisingly really. I mean, let's put ourselves in our kids shoes. Everything is different. They're not getting the same level of stimulation or interaction as before the lockdown. Even their parents aren't able to tell them when things will return to their pre lockdown life. And they've got to do some weird form of schooling, which is supposed to take happen in the place where they are usually relaxing. It's unsettling for adults, so of course it's going to be hard for kids to process. 

If your child is struggling with anger and irritability, there's no doubt that's hard on you too. You've got very little space to remove yourselves from each other and if the emotions are intense you're probably getting increasingly stressed. Not only because your own fight or flight mode is kicking in when faced with another raging human (no matter how much you love your small people, when they rage it take takes huge effort and presence of mind to overcome your own emotional responses), but you might feel unsure about how to support them. A good starting point could be the why. Anger is usually hiding another emotion, so if you can get past that you'll have something to work with, addressing the anger at it's source! 

So what's going on under your child's coronavirus anger? Here's some of the main reasons some children have listed when asked about their feelings linked to the lockdown:

• fear of the virus
• impact on their school life - not seeing friends and teachers , who are usually such a big part of their lives
• loss of routine - becoming bored and lonely
• lack of freedom to go places, or see people who are important to them, such as family members or participate in favourite activities
• impact of birthday celebrations for those who have birthdays during the lockdown
• parents job security or hearing worries about finances etc

When you think about it from their perspective, you'd feel pretty irritable too. Young children aren't seeing their friends or family and find it harder to access them via the internet. Teenagers are unable to socialise, which is particularly tough on them due to their stage of development. With brains that feel invincible but are still maturing, their understanding and attitude towards lockdown don't mix that well and can produce huge amounts of frustration.

What can we do, as parents, to help our children work through this anger and reduce the household stress levels? 

•  ​It may feel like they just want to fight against whatever you do or say, but they really just want you to prove that they are safe, secure and that you, their safe person is calm. So, as hard as it might be, this really is a time to keep your cool.
• If you've got a partner, share the kids around during the day. Your children are getting far less socialising than they are used to, so to be suddenly sat at a computer doing school work or playing alone (or with the same sibling!) is probably causing them to feel a bit lonely. Don't feel like you need to be schooling the whole time, just being together, playing, reading, making something, gardening or watching TV or movies will be all they need to feel connected. Sharing it with your partner, will ensure neither of you feel resentful for shouldering that responsibility. 
• Don't become their teacher. Yes, there needs to be learning happening during their time at home, but small amounts are fine. Read their signs. If attention is waning, or they're not enjoying a task, stop! They need you to be a parent much more than need you to be their teacher at the moment.
• Make sure you're realistic about the expectations of school work and your work balance too. Communicate with your children so they know when they are expected to be focused on a learning task and when they need to have free, independent play time because you've got work to do. If that means 1 hour or so of 'school', then so be it. But if they're interrupting your working time because they are bored and lacking direction, then you need to find an activity that they can do independently. Half days, days off ... do whatever works for you when it comes to 'crisis schooling'.
• Allow your child to move through the emotion phases in response to this situation. We're all going through them, even children, but will move in and out of these phases at different times. These emotion phases include disbelief, anger, sadness, acceptance and optimism. Very much like the grieving process, this situation has taken things from us and children need time to process that. Allow them to feel sad, cry and feel angry (safely). Tell them, yes this feels strange. Tell them, yes this is frustrating and that you feel angry too. But support them to move, a their pace into acceptance and optimism. Tell them, yes we can't change the situation but ask them what they'd like to do at home today. Ask them what things might be better when we return to normal. Ask them what they'll look forward to when the lockdown ends.

And the last, and most important tip of all, is to remember that you are the best person for your child to be in lock down with. Just being with you makes all the difference to your child in this crazy, surreal time.