We talk about nurturing children often, but what exactly does it mean to nurture and what is our role? The dictionary defines a nurturer as, “someone who nurtures others, offering food, protection, support, encouragement, or training”. On the face of it, nurturing appears to be about caring and protection. It wasn’t that long ago that parents and educators were mostly focused on the logistical elements of nurturing such as feeding, clothing, sheltering, and imparting knowledge. The emotional development of a child wasn’t a priority factor in the way that it is today, or at the very least, wasn’t an area that was understood enough to be able to consciously nurture. Now when we think about nurturing children, we are more aware of the holistic picture.
 
Research and developments in psychology now help us understand that nurturing a child involves several pillars. Rather than looking simply at providing for basic needs, we understand that nurturing is also about the people and relationships in a child’s life. We also understand that rather than focusing on the child’s personality (although this does need reflecting on when developing a nurturing approach, which we’ll touch upon later), we create the optimum environment. Much like the analogy of planting a seed in the nutrient rich soil to ensure its healthy growth.

​Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs shows us a model for meeting needs and nurturing. At the bottom of the pyramid are our basic physiological needs. From there, we build upon our needs until we reach the top of the pyramid where we can grow and spend time on personal development and fulfilment. It’s important to note this is a theory. It has been recognised that people may require their needs met in a different order and there is debate as to whether there is a hierarchy at all. But as a guide, Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs draws awareness to our human needs and helps us reflect on how to nurture our children. There is certainty amongst psychologists that when basic needs, such as safety, security, and attachment, are not met, children cannot reach their potential in learning. This is significant and suggests that we should, most definitely, pay attention to how we might consciously provide both physical and emotional care.

So, how can we nurture children?
 
We need to look at nurture from physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual perspectives. Although these are separate elements, they are also interconnected. Physical nurturing involves the provision of good food, shelter, clothing, hygiene etc. When we take of children’s physical needs, we also send them an emotional based message that they are loved and cared about. Emotional nurturing relates to consideration of their self-esteem, mental health, development of coping skills and resilience. Mental nurturing involves opportunity to learn and develop skills that help them gain fulfilment and purpose in life. This links back to emotional nurturing as their learning and skill acquisition impacts confidence, self-esteem, and overall happiness. It also links to spiritual nurturing as we help them discover their passions, purpose, place in the world and develop their understanding of self. As you can see, these elements of nurture cannot be disconnected.
 
After the provision of physical needs, we can first and foremost, make ourselves aware of attachment theory. This is based on the concept of early relationships that children form with a significant adult. The theory states that a strong, secure attachment with at least one main caregiver is crucial to a child’s development. This attachment has the power to influence a child’s emotional wellbeing, future relationships and even links to future generations. It is worth becoming familiar with the 4 attachment styles and reflecting on our own experiences as well as how that may be presenting itself in our relationships with children.
 
In addition to this, we can choose our approach to our interactions with children that are rooted in a few principles. These principles are:

• Children are individuals. Acceptance of a child’s stage of development, personality, learning style and challenges as well as strengths creates an environment where self-esteem can grow. A commitment to supporting a child as an individual with unique interests and strengths (free of any rigid expectations we may be holding) also means giving space to find purpose.
• Talking and active listening. Remembering that we are in a relationship with a child allows us to make space for talking, listening, and guiding rather than directing, instructing, and lecturing. Feeling heard helps a child to know they matter. This leads to greater confidence, self-belief, and self-respect.
• Behaviour is communication. By nature, children’s ability to regulate and make appropriate choices in times of emotional challenges is limited. This is brain development. Over time, they learn the skill of regulation and become better decision makers. When we base our response to dysregulated reactions in the knowledge that those reactions are communicating something to us (an unmet need, a stressor, guidance towards a more appropriate reaction), we can limit the impact that punishment or feeling isolated with a big emotion can have on a child.

 
How does nurturing a child look in real life?
Nurturing a child involves simple everyday interactions, relationship building and some inner work for us the adults.
 
Ways you can nurture your child include:

• Provide good food.
• Provide clean, weather appropriate clothing.
• Provide a warm home (ideally consider any sensory needs in relation to noise, space your child may need etc and routines that your child may require) where physical safety is protected.
• Allow expression of feelings.
• Be a listener.
• Validate feelings. Be empathetic.
• Hug. Or gentle hair ruffles.
• Laugh together. Play or be playful.
• Be present.
• Understand developmental stage so your expectations are appropriate.
• Provide non-confrontational opportunities for discussing (age appropriate) world, national or societal issues, expectations for behaviour, emotional challenges, or relationship issues. Speak respectfully.
• Model and teach healthy coping strategies.
• Apologise.
• Ask questions about your child’s life, friendships.
• Choose your consequences for unwanted behaviours or reactions and use them consistently. Try to use consequences that teach rather than punish. Natural consequences can be a useful approach.
• Give age-appropriate tasks that show trust.
• Encourage activities that promote physical health such as sports or creativity.
• Have dedicated family time, 1-1 time.
• Have screen use boundaries that work for your family.
• Model relaxation and mindfulness
• Provide education.
• Answer big questions honestly and as best you can.
• Provide social opportunities.

 
Nurturing children is a big responsibility. Have self-compassion, especially on those days where you doubt yourself. Your ability to nurture is dependent on your own wellbeing so taking care of yourself is important to do alongside taking care of your child. Remember, once you’ve taken care of the basic physical needs, nurturing comes down to relationships. Prioritise that and your future self, your child, and the generations to come will thank you.   

In our busy, modern world it is VERY tempting for us as parents to try to sweep our children’s emotions away. Instinctive responses such as ‘you’ll be fine’, ‘there’s no point worrying about it’ or ‘well, you’re good at this subject aren’t you so the exam will be easy’, often leave our mouths before we’ve realised and come from a place of wanting our children to be ok.
 
It can also be extremely difficult for us emotionally when our child is overwhelmed. We are often unconsciously triggered emotionally, whether that be because of our own past experiences or because we are tired and have an ‘empty tolerance cup’. After a busy day at work, you are likely to become emotionally triggered if, at 6PM the night before the exam, your child comes to you upset and worried. You would certainly not be alone if you rolled your eyes in frustration and exasperatedly said, “And now you tell me!’' Or wearily yawned 'You’ll be fine” and sent them to bed with a ruffle of the hair.
 
What our children really need from us in their emotionally challenging moments is to feel understood. When we try to sweep them on through their feelings at speed, we may get some short-term relief from the discomfort of being around a child with big feelings. I get it. Sometimes the crying, whining or the general energy that emotions bring (the tween door slam gives me an instant tense, tight jaw!) is just too much. But if we always brush them away or try to fix the issue, children can sense our discomfort of big emotions. This becomes a missed opportunity to develop emotional intelligence and teach them healthy habits. Rushing our children through big emotions or ‘fixing’ the issue teaches our children to suppress, avoid or use other unhealthy habits to cope with their big emotions. It can also lead to feelings of shame around experiencing challenging emotions.
 
Although difficult and requiring our own self growth, our children need us to show them that it’s OK to sit with big feelings, accept them and become curious. Reassuringly, research shows that even doing this just some of the time is effective, which gives us some space to be human!

It’s important to remember that pushing feelings away tends to lead to them popping back up with increased force! Repeatedly! The more we can support our children in these moments the more their emotional intelligence will grow. Big feelings will settle when children feel listened to and understood, even if the reason for their emotions seem nonsensical to us.
 
One question that can help in a challenging emotional moment is to ask your child,
“What do you need?”.
 
“What do you need?”.
A simple, powerful question! With just these four words you can:

• reduce the number of times you try and ‘fix’ an issue for your child
• encourage your child to reflect on the message the emotion is giving them
• empower your child to identify their needs and therefore increase their resilience and ability to cope with challenging emotions
• help your child manage their feelings in a healthier way
• help your child settle their feelings more quickly as they (and the message of their emotion) have been ‘heard’.

 
Try it next time and see what happens!

We may even hear ourselves saying things our own parents said! I often experience moments that are almost like outer body experiences on my conscious parenting journey; hearing myself say things, whilst my inner wise self shakes her head disapprovingly.

When our children are asked closed questions such as “Are you OK?” or “What’s wrong?” they are very likely to respond in angry, frustrated tones because their nervous system is in stress mode, which means they’re not thinking clearly. They may be experiencing negative thoughts or cognitive distortions which are causing them to feel disconnected and fuelling their emotional state. If you were feeling upset and someone asked, “Are you OK?”, you might automatically experience thoughts popping up such as a sarcastic “Do I look OK?!, or “What a stupid question?”, or “If you don’t know what’s wrong already, leave me alone?”. Using the right language can take the moment in which our child is struggling in an entirely different direction. A direction that feels good for both us and our children whilst also helping them make progress in terms of emotional development and problem solving.
 
So, how do we encourage our children to open up and talk, instead of both them and us feeling furious and disconnected? It’s actually simpler than we realise! We have a tendency to overcomplicate things and an urge to ‘fix’ our unhappy child which can result in our almost panicked “What’s wrong?”. This can feel like pressure to a child who may not quite know what’s wrong or at least not know how to articulate it. It also gives an impression (which may or may not be the case) that you’re uncomfortable with their emotions. Instead, we can draw them into a space that invites curiosity and discussion by stating our observations. Pause, observe and tell your child what you’re seeing in their facial expression and body language.
 
“I’ve noticed your shoulders look tense.”
 
“I can see your smile is gone.”
 
Reflecting these observations back to our children helps them to become more deeply in tune with how their feelings are experienced in their body. It also helps them to feel SEEN and sense that their emotions are safe with you. This is a solid starting point to actually start talking about how they feel before exploring triggers and solutions. This is the language that builds emotional intelligence.
 
From this simple starting point of reflecting your child’s physicality back to them, you will notice that their body language shifts a little as they move their focus to it. You will also notice the atmosphere softens as they become more open to conversation because they feel understood. The key at this point is to maintain that gentleness and curiosity. If you need to encourage them to talk, use a phrase such as “Tell me more”. This gives permission for the feelings to be whatever they are, without judgement.
 
Remember, our goal as parents is to support our children to navigate all emotions. 

Our Kids Den resources support you to have meaningful conversations with your child. Check out the range here.

Our knowledge around the way we parent and the impact that has on our children's mental health and wellbeing has grown rapidly in recent years. Thanks to advances in the world of psychology, we have a greater collective understanding of how our own emotional intelligence effects our children. Research shows that parents who have a greater depth of self awareness and an ability to emotionally regulate themselves are more likely to raise emotionally intelligent children.

During my own learning and personal growth, prompted by becoming a parent, I've discovered that it's crucial to perceive parenting as a relationship rather than a job to do. The connection we have with our children, I believe, is the channel through which we can embed the foundations they need for a life of emotional health and happiness. 

Here's my favourite quotes to inspire a parenting approach that places connection at it's heart!

My child started secondary school. All Summer there's been excitement and countdowns, ending with the normal butterflies in the stomach in the final days of the holidays, before the big moment arrived. I'd prepared her, ironed her uniform, filled her shiny new pencil case with biros and batted away most 'what if' questions like a seasoned parenting pro. But what I wasn't prepared for, was the rearing of all my teenage high school trauma. It hit me out of the blue when tears fell from eyes after a long, overwhelming first day. What she experienced in those first 'rabbit in the headlights' days was normal. No one was mean to her. Nothing terrible happened. She even enjoyed much of it. Her highly sensitive soul simply needed to release built up emotions and process so much change in this huge milestone moment. But suddenly, whilst holding her, I stepped into the shoes of my awkward tween self and was flooded with feelings of self doubt, intense self consciousness and high anxiety. I remember the fear like it was yesterday and my heart broke. I thought it was for her. It wasn't. My heart broke for my teenage self. ​

To be at our best for our children, and support their experiences through their lens takes intuitive reflection and a level of self awareness. When we become emotionally reactive to our children's experiences it's helpful to ask ourselves why and be brave enough to go there. Even just being aware of why is an important and substantial step in itself. So, as I coach her through this challenging rite of passage, I'm also coaching my inner teenage self. These are some of the steps I'm taking:

• Working on some unhelpful beliefs that have popped up during this time and working on my own from that time too. For example, in this current era of my life, I can see that people can't connect with you when you don't believe you are likeable so I'm applying that to my inner teen self . We also work together on being OK with not being everyone's cup of tea.
• Asking my daughter what she needs when she feels overwhelmed with emotion and asking myself too. Acknowledging that much of what I feel in relation to my child's milestone moment is actually about my own experience of that moment (even though it was 30 years ago!) and allowing them to finally be free rather than suppressed, (what I did at the time) helps me to process them so that I'm less triggered when she has challenges.

• Using affirmations. A little self belief goes a long way! We've created affirmations to help both of us feel stronger and grounded. "Difficult moments help me become more resilient."

Finally, I've been reflecting more deeply on how difficult, awkward teen moments, helped me become who I am today so I can be at peace with them. It's a reminder that I don't have to take away my own child's pain as they can serve us in the future. But I can learn from them too and give her more of what she needs to grow from them. Things my tween self needed too. ​

As Maya Angelou says, "When you know better, do better." So it's OK. My early secondary journey felt difficult, but I'm at peace with that because the journey led to here. Today, where I'm parenting differently for my daughter. Where I've been guiding and teaching her for years so that she is far braver, stronger and more resilient than I was at this point in my own life. It led to now, where we're parenting a generation that will know themselves and what to do when challenges arise.

Emotion coaching is process by which we can support our child's emotional intelligence. It's a fabulous parenting tool with proven benefits for emotional health.

Emotion Coaching isn't magic wand! It takes time to see the results and effort from parents to implement. However, working on our personal development and growing as a parent so that we can become our children's emotion coaches brings huge positive outcomes for the whole family. Not only do we heal and become happier, but our children are more likely to be successful, resilient and emotionally intelligent individuals. Furthermore, our connection with our children is stronger and our relationships benefits. 

What if the fear of your child lacking self-esteem is leading you to a response that tries to make your child feel OK by telling them they’ve done well, rather than guiding them to discover and believe that themselves? A response that helps you feel better in the moment but doesn’t build foundations of resilience for your child. 
 
It’s easily done. And it ‘feels’ like the right response in the moment. But what if I told you that you didn’t always have to panic respond with a, “but that’s brilliant, darling” when your child clearly doesn’t think it is? How would that feel? Liberating? 
 
We need to accept as mothers, that there will be times our children lack confidence in themselves and that our job is to teach them resilience skills and guide them, not fix it for them. To do this we need to free ourselves from using our children’s emotional ups and downs as a measure of how good a job we are doing. A good mother and a child with emotional struggles are not mutually exclusive. When we instinctively react to smooth the moment over, we're actually reacting to soothe ourselves under the illusion we're helping our children. Like a mama bear in protect mode, hearing negative words that sound destructive and damaging coming from the mouth of someone we love more than life itself, feels like facing our worst nightmares. It hurts. 

Taking a moment to read the situation is a skill, but one we can all learn. And those moments of pause can reduce our parenting anxiety and support our child at the same time. Let me tell you what I mean ...