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School is out! Normally this brings joy and relief, as we drink in the feeling of turning off alarm clocks and putting away the lunch boxes for six weeks. But this summer is a whole new challenge! After 4 months of being at home already, you're not alone if you're feeling a little apprehensive about how to enjoy the next six weeks, entertain the kids and socially distance. It's a totally new task, so we can be excused for feeling a little anxious.
We've come up with some ideas for staying sane whilst enjoying the challenge of Summer 2020.
For a long time dads were a distant figure for children, even when living in the same home. A father was somebody who was out all day working and was to be left to rest on their return. A passive parent, leaving raising children to the mother, unless punishment was deemed necessary. Their traditional role was 'breadwinner', providing financially for the family. But the passing of time has seen change. The modern family looks different these days, with a variety of family set ups and mothers often contributing in a significant way financially. Research on child development and in the field of psychology has given us an emerging picture on parenting approaches and the true impact fathers have on children, from the quality of their sperm to the age of 18. Research is changing the perception of fatherhood. Conscious parents are redefining the role of dad. Because the studies are clearly suggesting that when it comes to emotional health in children dads do matter. The other evening, my husband and I sat chatting over a glass of wine and, as parents do, we very quickly began talking about the children. We often analyse our own parenting. It just seems natural to us, in our bid to raise decent humans, that we reflect on the things that go well. Or don't.
My husband said that lockdown has left him feeling guilty. Welcome to my everyday, buddy. Despite seeing so much of the kids and being around the lunch and dinner table with us, he sees disappointment in their eyes, particularly in our youngest, when he turns down their pleads to play hide and seek. The daily juggle that mums are used to; how to keep everyone happy, entertained and fed whilst keeping the house in some order and for many mums, working too. The guilt weighs heavy. Lockdown means working from home, but to our 3 year old, it just means we're home. He has no concept of what work means or what pressure careers can bring, especially when you depend on one income. It doesn't matter how much we'd love to hang with our little dudes, building garden forts and picnicking under the tree, we have to give time to other things. Unless we are willing to go homeless or insane, which funnily enough, we're not. But our youngest doesn't understand that. They get quality time with us. I'm a massive advocate for connecting deeply with our children. We routinely make a conscious effort to have fun and spend time together but if I'm honest, I think no matter how much quality time we give they'd always ask for more! So, why do we feel guilty when the majority of the time we're not giving the whole of ourselves to our children, is so we can do things FOR them. Like earn money to keep them sheltered and fed! Or take time for ourselves because it just makes us a nicer! Our expectations are unrealistic, thats why. These are moments to teach our children to respect the needs to others. To understand how to be patient or find a way through boredom. We feel guilty because their emotional discomfort hurts us, yet we feel we're the cause too. Complicated! I came to the realisation during our chat, that we have to accept we won't always be the 'perfect parent'. I think so many of us think 'perfect parenting' means taking our children through childhood without being the cause of their difficult emotions. I don't think that's possible. That's not to say we shouldn't try. But sometimes, our job is to guide our children through challenging feelings that are directly related to us because it prepares them for life. Somehow we have to find a way to do that in the least toxic way we can and keeping attachments healthy! One of biggest lessons we can take from it is self forgiveness. We do the best we can with what we know. I think that has to be our aim. They're heading back to school in Australia, they're planning on heading back to school next week in England. At some point, we're all going to have to find our way through the transition from lockdown at home to a new school environment. Many parents are understandably nervous and apprehensive about it. Some are choosing not to return to school right now. Some have had such a positive home schooling experience they've decided that's the way forward for them. If there's one thing parents have taken from this time, it's a clearer perspective on education. How important is it? What's the best environment for their child to learn in? Maybe even a new found appreciation for teachers!
For those children who are eligible, able and have chosen to return to school, it's important to prepare them for the changes they are going to find. After what has been the biggest change many kids have experienced in their lives, they need to head back to school with a positive mindset and an understanding that the changes are there for good reason. But we also want to balance that with them feeling safe and secure, rather than unnerved by the new environment. Even if children are genuinely excited about going back to their school, a smooth return depends on preparation. It's crucial that parents and teachers don't underestimate the impact the last few months have taken. It may take time for children to process and show their feelings about the school closures and lockdown, so we must tread carefully, guiding our children back into new normal. Some of the things we'll need to prepare them for include:
How to we go about preparing our children for these changes?
These are strange times, but with a little extra guidance from us, we can take our children smoothly through these changes. We need to talk about partners and parenting in partnership. It’s hard to find common ground when it comes to parenting our children with our partners. The differences you and your partner had in childhood significantly impacts the approach that each of you take now. We are all heavily influenced by our own upbringing and the tendency is to repeat the parenting we experienced. The key is to decide what parenting we want our own children to experience, but that of course takes an element of awakening. I have many friends who make a great couple but parenting is the one area that causes many 'discussions'. Whispers of, "It never did me any harm," marking the end of many. When of course it probably did on some level. Add in personality or tolerance levels, and even if you’ve got similar parenting values, applying them in reality may not always make for the dreamy family life you envisioned. Familiar? ⠀⠀ In our home we are, fortunately, on the same wavelength. But despite being probably the most level, smartest person I’ve ever met, my husband turns to me when he doesn’t know how to handle a situation with the kids. Or THINKS he can’t. Even when he can. In our home the difference in our parenting approach comes down to our individual tolerance levels. We are both introverts, but my husband struggles more with too much sensory stimulation (loud kids with big emotions stresses his nervous system!). BUT, here’s the thing. Sometimes I don’t have the answer. Or my mum tank has been drained and I’m out of mum energy. Or I’m just trying to do my own thing for 5 mins without interruption!! ⠀⠀ It can feel like there is no real option for in that scenario. It can feel like a lose-lose situation for the parent who usually has more tolerance or a gentler mindset when it comes to parenting. For that parent it either can feel like you have to step up and find the reserves, taking what feels like more from yourself than your body and mind can really handle, or let the kids down. When I talk to friends and my instagram community, you tell me you feel the same. You feel overwhelmed in those moments where in a split second you see your two paths playing out ahead of you: find that bit extra, even though you’re so overstimulated by everyone else’s needs, or lose it. Letting out all your own stuff in big, hot, angry ways for a brief moment of relief, shortly followed by your child’s crumpled face and a tsunami of guilt. ⠀⠀ Compromise and personal development for both parents means one person doesn’t use up everything in their reserve tank before they’ve had time to refuel. This means creating a joint approach; talking through ideals and values to find a common ground, agreeing on approaches to regular issues, agreeing to back each other up and not undermine and stepping in for the other if you can see your partner struggling. Share the load. And I mean the emotional one. It’s not down to one parent to do all the parenting. ⠀⠀ Last week I ran a little poll on my instagram stories, asking what emotion my followers felt their children were struggling with most during the Coronavirus lockdown. The response was anger and irritability. Which isn't that surprisingly really. I mean, let's put ourselves in our kids shoes. Everything is different. They're not getting the same level of stimulation or interaction as before the lockdown. Even their parents aren't able to tell them when things will return to their pre lockdown life. And they've got to do some weird form of schooling, which is supposed to take happen in the place where they are usually relaxing. It's unsettling for adults, so of course it's going to be hard for kids to process.
If your child is struggling with anger and irritability, there's no doubt that's hard on you too. You've got very little space to remove yourselves from each other and if the emotions are intense you're probably getting increasingly stressed. Not only because your own fight or flight mode is kicking in when faced with another raging human (no matter how much you love your small people, when they rage it take takes huge effort and presence of mind to overcome your own emotional responses), but you might feel unsure about how to support them. A good starting point could be the why. Anger is usually hiding another emotion, so if you can get past that you'll have something to work with, addressing the anger at it's source! So what's going on under your child's coronavirus anger? Here's some of the main reasons some children have listed when asked about their feelings linked to the lockdown:
When you think about it from their perspective, you'd feel pretty irritable too. Young children aren't seeing their friends or family and find it harder to access them via the internet. Teenagers are unable to socialise, which is particularly tough on them due to their stage of development. With brains that feel invincible but are still maturing, their understanding and attitude towards lockdown don't mix that well and can produce huge amounts of frustration. What can we do, as parents, to help our children work through this anger and reduce the household stress levels?
And the last, and most important tip of all, is to remember that you are the best person for your child to be in lock down with. Just being with you makes all the difference to your child in this crazy, surreal time. Wow. Crazy times! Here in the UK, the last week has seen the Coronavirus situation move swiftly. Despite the scenes of clear supermarket shelves, in our local area things seem calm and people are being kind and proactive in their preparations. I don't know what to say about it all really. Surreal! But I've been thinking about parenting our children through these uncertain and unsettling times ...
Many of our children are bound to feel uneasy, anxious and maybe even frightened. Depending on their age and level of understanding, there will be different approaches to take. My 3 year old does not understand the situation. He has no point of reference and not enough understanding of the world. Other than talking to him about there being a nasty cough going around and then need to keep the germs at bay with hand washing, there isn't much more to do. If we reach the point where nursery closes, we'll explain in simple terms why. Outside of that it's a case of keeping calm tones of voice, news off and protecting him and those around him with self care. He currently has a very mild cough, so led by our governments guidelines, he'll be home for the next week at least. My nearly ten year old, well, that's an entirely different parenting game! She is nervous and she's needed support. Here are some of the things I've done with her to support her emotional health:
Last night I led with my nearly ten year until she feel asleep. I did that because she needed to feel safe. Bedtime is often the time where her anxious thought run riot and she can struggle to drop off. Yes, she may be gaining increased independence and maturity in so many ways, but she's a child. My intuition told me that she just needed to be close and feel that unique sense of connection and comfort that mums give! Listen to your intuition. What emotional comfort does your child need from you? Next, logistics. In the UK as I write this, schools are still open. That is unlikely to be the case shortly and there's a lot of chatter and apprehension on social media about home schooling. So, as a mother and ex Primary Teacher , here's my thoughts on how to manage with children at home on a fairly long term basis.
Our world has become fast, busy and increasingly disconnected. If you are forced to be at home for a long period, remember that the time connect will be a light in the darkness. If you decide to throw academics out the window for a little while, fear not. Your attention will be more than enough. So go for a walk, play, watch a movie and read. The world is forcing us to slow down and whilst that mostly definitely brings challenges or worries for adults to overcome, like everything, we can find a positive if we choose to look for it. The impact we have on our children is massive. I know that feels like a weight to carry. That’s because it is. I know that is anxiety raising. But let’s use it as information to do the best we can.
As parents we have to show up for our children, which means getting good at managing our own feelings. Phrases like, ‘They’ll survive, ‘Your behaviour is embarrassing’ and You’ll just have to get used to it’ are, quite frankly, damaging. Not because they’re untrue, but because when our children hear those seemingly harmless words, they will feel isolated, alone, shamed, blamed and maybe threatened. These are hard things to hear. These moments sit in the background, informing our children what to expect from us and their relationships with others. They’ll sit in the background, forming our children’s beliefs about who they are, trust and what relationships look like. These phrases spring from our mouths almost instinctively, because it’s what we heard as children. We struggle to hold the words back because we’re feeling big, uncomfortable feelings ourselves. It’s tough, but here are some good reasons to start working on your own emotional regulation (I promise you, you can do it):
But there’s something to remember. They’ll be times when it’s hard and your efforts to stay calm amongst your child’s big feelings don’t work. It’s OK. It’s good enough that you’re trying and you’re doing it a lot of the time. There’s a magic word you can say to your child when this happens. That word is ‘sorry’. There's a lot of power in that one little word. |
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AuthorHey! I'm the founder, creator and voice of Ink and Scribbles. Sharing thoughts on child well-being and parenting that are based on my teaching and parenting experience, and NLP learning. |