Why we need to manage our own big feelings and what to do when we don’t!

The impact we have on our children is massive. I know that feels like a weight to carry. That’s because it is. I know that is anxiety raising. But let’s use it as information to do the best we can. 
 
As parents we have to show up for our children, which means getting good at managing our own feelings. Phrases like, ‘They’ll survive, ‘Your behaviour is embarrassing’ and You’ll just have to get used to it’ are, quite frankly, damaging. Not because they’re untrue, but because when our children hear those seemingly harmless words, they will feel isolated, alone, shamed, blamed and maybe threatened. These are hard things to hear. These moments sit in the background, informing our children what to expect from us and their relationships with others. They’ll sit in the background, forming our children’s beliefs about who they are, trust and what relationships look like. These phrases spring from our mouths almost instinctively, because it’s what we heard as children. We struggle to hold the words back because we’re feeling big, uncomfortable feelings ourselves. It’s tough, but here are some good reasons to start working on your own emotional regulation (I promise you, you can do it):

• we’ll set our children up with secure attachment. Their attachment with us will set the tone for patterns in their lives. A secure attachment means resilient, empathetic, self-aware, insightful and good decision makers. This means providing a sense of safety for our children, hearing them and supporting them emotionally. It means not losing it especially when your child is.
• you’ll be a role model for emotional regulation, your child will get good at it too and your grandchildren will thank you. What our kids experience are the things they will put back out in the world. The parenting they experience with you will unconsciously impact their own style of parenting when they have children themselves.
• we create a safe environment for our children to be themselves. Taking away a undercurrent of 'you should be' messages has has all sorts of big self-esteem and self-worth benefits!
• we can hold our children’s respect, as opposed to losing it. I mean, as the parent, we generally get given this automatically, but holding our children’s respect can be achieved by staying connected with them. 
• Co-operation is more likely when our children feel understood. 

 
But there’s something to remember. They’ll be times when it’s hard and your efforts to stay calm amongst your child’s big feelings don’t work. It’s OK.  It’s good enough that you’re trying and you’re doing it a lot of the time. There’s a magic word you can say to your child when this happens. That word is ‘sorry’.  There's a lot of power in that one little word.