In my coaching work, we focus a lot on top down (brain to body) strategies which means cognitive approaches to emotional challenges and regulation. Recent training I’ve undertaken has meant I’ve begun working more deeply on nervous system regulation strategies that support the bottom up (body to brain) approach to managing emotions. This has added more techniques beyond breathing to my toolkit. In addition, during my Kinesiology training, I came across primitive reflexes and it opened a whole new level of ways to help children with their emotional challenges that involves the Nervous System.
 
Of course, emotions aren’t isolated experiences for our children. It’s not as simple as experiencing an event and it causing a ripple effect that is the behaviour we may see. Like the tip of an iceberg, the behaviour is the release of emotional energy or coping strategies that the child may employ. Beneath the surface are many possible triggers and circumstances that occur. These include individual external events, small or large, but also include internal circumstances that we, as the adults caring and nurturing a child, may not fully understand or even be aware of. These internal events include, amongst others, sensory preferences, personality traits such as high sensitivity, sensory processing difficulties, undiagnosed or mild neurological or neurodevelopmental disorders or … retained primitive reflexes.
 
Primitive Reflexes are involuntary reflexes that infants have to survive and develop. You’ll have noticed some of these reflexes are checked for shortly after birth. In the early years, as the central nervous system develops, these reflexes are “integrated” and become voluntary responses. Some children and adults have retained primitive reflexes, which means the reflex wasn’t fully integrated and is now impacting cognitive and/or motor skills. The main primitive reflexes are:

• Fear paralysis reflex
• Moro (startle) reflex
• TLR Reflex
• ATNR Reflex
• STNR
• Root and Suck Reflex
• Palmer Grasp Reflex
• Babinski Reflex

The approach parents are using to deal with challenging behaviour is changing. Or at least the beliefs we hold about discipline are changing. After all, we are human and have our own emotional responses, which means that for some parents’ positive discipline is an ideal that feels right in theory but is tough to implement. Hashtag mum guilt. Increasingly modern motherhood feels the weight of responsibility that is attached to challenging behaviour because of the impact on children’s well-being. In contrast, grandparents mutter comments about ‘letting them get away with it’. We are the generation caught up between our own experiences of being parented and the research that means we know better. It takes effort, but knowing we are all products of our experiences means we owe it not only to our kids, but also our grandchildren, their kids and so on, to be the generation of parents that make the change. Because the positive ripple effect we would have on emotional well-being and mindset will be a legacy we can be proud of. 
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So why connection before correction? What impact will positively disciplining our children have? 

1. Environment to grow
When we connect with our children, rather than lecture or shame them, we give them a place to feel supported and safe, even when they make mistakes. This means they can really learn from difficult feelings or wrong choices.

2.   Build trust
Connection builds trust. When children know they can come to parents with problems and big emotions, the relationship is based on honesty, openness and trust. In the midst of emotional chaos, our children are in flight or flight. Punishment in these circumstances doesn’t appeal to a child’s thinking brain. Instead it leads to isolation, confusion and insecurity.

3. Sets the tone for future relationships
The way we interact with our children teaches them about relationships. When we use connection and positive discipline, we are modelling a relationship that consists of respect, listening, understanding, compromise, sharing and validation.

4. Positive impact on brain development and emotional awareness
Brains are super complex and continually rewired through interactions and experiences, so it goes without saying that the more positive our interactions the better! That’s not to say we should wrap our kids up in cotton wool. But we can, however, support their brain development by giving them the tools their brains need to process emotions and events, so our kids grow a little each time they behave in a challenging way. 
 
So, how do we go about discipling our children positively? 
 
I think it’s really important that you think about your child and how to apply a conscious approach specifically to their personality and needs. But here are some general pointers:

• Validate your child’s feelings so they feel understood. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with their behaviour. You can absolutely say, “I think you felt angry because …” but go on to discuss more appropriate reactions and solutions. 
•  Accept your child’s will have feelings that you will sometimes find difficult to deal with. Don’t expect them to protect you from their difficult emotions. Don’t tell them not to feel the emotion they are confiding in you about.  
• Work through solutions when your child is calm after the big emotion has subsided.
• Listen. Just listen and give them space to explore their thoughts.
• Be kind but firm and consistent. You don’t need to use a raised voice to say no.
• Sit with your child whilst they ride a big emotion out. You can’t reach them with reason when they are in emotional chaos, so wait for it to pass. 
• Think about your own feelings carefully and use more specific language to talk about them. For example, behind your own anger maybe disappointment or fear.
• Don’t over protect them. There may be consequences to their behaviour that is important for them to take responsibility for, or anxiety that you shouldn’t rescue them from. 
• Lastly, hugs are powerful! Connect with one.

There's a few books that we recommend in our affiliate links that are super helpful to any parents looking to develop and improve their positive approach to parenting. These books are full of useful tips and give such good insight into the psychology of a child's developing mind.

​The Whole Brain Child.
​You can find it here: ​

The Book You Wish Your Parents had Read (and your children will be glad that you did).
​ Find it here:

*As an amazon affiliate I earn from qualifying purchases.