Why does my child have a meltdown after school?

​On the walk home from school, you know it's brewing. You can sense it coming. You know that the moment the front door closes, there's going to be big emotions! These after school meltdowns happen in households everywhere, and frequently to children who are the 'model student' at school. They can be super stressful for parents, who may find it difficult to manage or feel confused that their child acts so differently to the child their teachers see. What's really going on is something called After School Restraint Collapse. Yep, it's a thing! And why is it good to know this is a thing? Well, knowledge is a powerful thing. Knowing that your child is experiencing After School Restraint Collapse will help you see their after school emotions with empathy and you're more likely to support them emotionally at a time they really need to feel the safety of your presence.

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When we, as parents, take our own feelings out the equation and look through our child's eyes, it's easy to see why After School Restraint Collapse is an actual thing. When children are at home with parents, they feel secure enough to express themselves emotionally as well as having the ability to act on impulses such as hunger, toilet needs or physical movement. At school, there are restrictions on them and rules to adhere to, as well as navigating relationships with peers and teachers. And all these things they manage on their own, without their main caregivers! Some children appear to manage this well. but the energy it takes them to do so can overwhelm them, leading to restraint collapse. Sensitive children or those with higher levels of emotional needs are more likely to be impacted. 

With a Highly Sensitive Child in our house, we're no strangers to restraint collapse! It's loud and if I'm not prepared for it, can be extremely emotionally challenging. Here's some of the main reasons your child could experience after school restraint collapse:

• They could be tired. Young children find the days long or may find learning takes a lot of mental effort which can be draining.
• They may be overstimulated. Some children are easily affected by large groups, noisy environments, dealing with too much information or situations which feel too chaotic. For my daughter, busy cloakrooms are stressful!
• They may have used a lot of self regulation to manage impulses. Some children hear a lot of, "Sit up!", "Walk, please!", "You need to wait." etc, which takes restraint! Remember, children need to move and schools aren't always able to facilitate that when the impulse takes an individual child. 
• They may have experienced friendship issues. Even small incidents can feel big to a child. My daughter finds even little comments upsetting and confidence knocking, due to her sensitive nature. It's a complicated time for navigating friendships.
• They may have experienced disappointment. Perhaps they didn't get many spellings right, or didn't get the star of the week! Little people often need support to gain perspective on the things that disappoint them. 
• They may feel the weight to expectations of others. Children love to please. Teachers are well loved people in the lives of small people, and the idea of letting the teacher down or disappointing them can feel like a big responsibility to a small person. Some children use a lot of energy to behave and act in ways that pleases others (teachers or peers) and a fear of failing can be anxiety inducing. Imagine not feeling you can be entirely yourself! Maybe you know that feeling well. It's draining to put so much effort into being a particular version of yourself.

When you think about it, it probably wouldn't surprise you to know that some children experience many , if not all of these in one day. And if you take the time to think about your own child's personality and typical school day experience, you'll be able to pick out which type of restraint may lead to their own after school collapse. 

So, how can we help our children at the end of the day? We might understand they feel pretty emotional after a school day, but ideally, we want to teach them how to manage their overwhelm. Here's some suggested things you can do:

1. Pre-empt their restraint collapse. If you know your child is prone to it, prepare. 

• Work out the sort of restraints that are most likely to lead to collapse. You'll be able to empathise which will help reduce the intensity of an outburst. 
• Fuel them with emotional connection before they go to school. Have breakfast together. Take a few minutes to chat, talk about the day ahead and really make eye contact.
• Use lunch box notes (you can find our printable lunch box notes here) to maintain a connection with you during the day. Some people also like to use other items such as badges tucked inside uniform or another personal reminder a child can access easily but without drawing attention to themselves (obviously make it something safe!)
• Teach them about themselves. If it's something your child struggles with, it will empower them to know why they feel the way they do and lead to greater self control.

2. Use reactive strategies in the moment. 

• Avoid asking them about their day until they've had time to relax and unwind.
• Work out a relaxation strategy that works best for your child. Do they need time to run around and release physical energy? Do they need to calm their nervous system with quiet activities? Do they need time to reconnect to you and feel secure again?
• Feed them. ASAP! Having a snack as soon as possible will help stabilise energy levels and reduce irritability. 

Our little people are amazing, aren't they! When you think about what they experience during 6 hours without us, it's no wonder they release so much emotion when they come back to us. Don't take it personally. You've done nothing wrong. It might feel like they're pushing you away, but you're actually just the thing they need. 

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