What's charging up your child's anger battery?

Anger is an extremely challenging emotion for families to navigate at home. Our children's anger triggers our own emotional responses, usually linked to our childhood conditioning which, for most of us, trained us that anger is wrong, unnecessary or is a symptom of misbehaviour. 

Anger is just another emotion. Sure, it can be hard to handle because of the physical reactions linked to it, but when we look below those we can find more empathy with our children's situation and accept that anger is a sign of something deeper. When we look beyond the behaviour we can find what our children are communicating. Dealing with the root cause is far more effective and far less damaging to emotional wellbeing. 

So, what is anger? Anger is an uncomfortable and intense emotion in response to a perceived threat. The brain responds to a situation instinctively and floods the body with hormones that help us react. Like a battery charging up, these hormones give the body a surge of energy that needs using up!

Anger can be productive. It can help us take action but the surge of energy can also be misplaced, especially when we aren't aware of our  triggers or don't understand them. 

We can support our children with anger by knowing what the most common anger triggers are. Taking a pause to assess the circumstances can give you the perspective you need to spot your child's trigger and understand what is charging up their angry energy.  Most common triggers are:

• a negative thought (e.g. I can't do this, everyone thinks I'm rubbish or I never get to do what I want to do). Our natural tendencies to look for the worst case scenario and avoid change can mean our brains filter information and lead to negative thoughts. We can react to these thoughts with anger because they don't feel good! 
• a worry. When the brain is experiencing fear, the flight or fight mode is initiated as a protective mechanism. This can look like anger because of the outward reaction, but internally the primary emotion differs from anger.
• a sense of injustice. Emotional hurt or a sense of wrong doing can trigger an angry response. In this scenario anger can be useful. For example, people who feel angry about animal cruelty can use the emotion to take action and create change. 
• basic requirements need attending to. We need to attend to our basic needs before we can  be emotionally stable or clear in thinking. Imagine brains are built from the bottom up. At the lowest level of the brain, the survival part needs to be fed and rested well to allow us to integrate the other, more complex areas of the brain. 
• a memory. Our brain stores away memories and the emotions attached to them. If a memory is triggered by a similar present moment, we can react to the present situation based on our previous experience. For example, if your child felt embarrassed last time they had to present in class, facing this experience a second time leads to the brain pulling up this memory as a reference for what to do. In this example, embarrassment is perceived as a threat which triggers the fight or flight mode! Even though the second presentation is an entirely new situation and might go brilliantly, the brains natural inclination to search for threat will kick in.

These are all normal reasons for feeling angry! And anger isn't an emotion to bury away completely. We need to feel all emotions. When we know what is triggering the anger, it's easier to find a supportive strategy. For example, if you know your child is angry because they feel a sense of injustice, you can help them take action. Or you can show empathy at the injustice, even if you can't change it.

Teaching our children to recognise anger and how to respond appropriately is key to emotional health, but at a young age they need our help to scaffold this process. Strategies for supporting children with anger include emotional education (teaching them what is happening in the brain), teaching them how to recognise anger before responses become difficult to manage and coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms include calming tools to soothe the nervous system, as well as ways of processing the emotion such as drawing, writing or using up the energy. Finally, connection with your child is a crucial element of support. Showing understanding and empathy calms the nervous system, whilst also developing your bond. Despite the intensity that comes with your child's anger, empathy and connection is a win win and your greatest tool as a parent.