Juggling all the feelings because it's back to school, 2020 style!

What am I meant to be feeling right now about the kids returning to school? To be honest, I'm not entirely sure where to settle my thoughts as it comes to the start of a new school year in 2020. 

This year has felt like a marathon hurdle race for the parenting world. Lockdown wasn't the gift of time that social media told us is would be. I mean on one level, there was definitely a lifting of some heavier expectations and a gifting of more family time. But on another level, it's felt like juggling an impossible number of balls whilst running at high speed.  On reflection, the lockdown era of 2020 pulled me in to reactive parenting, meaning I jumped from one mum job to another, alternating work jobs and life admin.

It meant reacting more to their needs as they arose, rather than choosing our interactions. Reactive parenting, for me, just doesn't sit right because the kids don't get the best of me. But also, I don't get the best of me either. It's a clear message that I'm overwhelmed and out of balance. Lockdown teaching at home is not where  I want to be at. 

​So, as September approaches I'm trying to figure out where my head is at. I'm so energised by the prospect of time for myself and my business. There is so much more I'll be able to do with both my children at school. Not only do I see next month as a chance to move my business forward, but I also see the opportunity to take some intentional time for myself. Something that I've not done since my eldest started school and I had a brief few months of free time before my second child arrived.  I think for us all, mama, our health and wellbeing will be thankful for this new start.  September marks the start of being able to be proactive and intentional as opposed to the reactive lockdown era! 

In a parallel world, I'm proudly enjoying my eldest embarking on her final primary year and weeping happy tears as my youngest starts his school journey in Reception (first year at school in the U.K). But COVID has thrown a spanner in the works and means this September is not just any old 'Back to School' milestone. In reality, this year, on the bittersweet waves from mothers stood at the school gates, hangs a shadow of anxiety and uncertainty. Which, mama, means it's no wonder we're feeling a little confused about how we're feeling right now! We've wrapped our children in the safety of our homes for 5 months and now we're about to send them back out into the world. A new school year is a strange transition for most of us at the best of times, with contradicting feelings sat alongside each other. This year, I'm particularly sensitive to the delicate balance of sweet relief at the thought of impending time for self and the maternal protective urge to hold them close. It takes effort to hold steady through the waves of what if's and questions that, let's face it, we've never pondered over on any previous school start. I mean, when did we ever think we'd swap, "What does a healthy lunchbox look like?" for "How do I balance my child's social needs with their physical health?"

But I think it's a case of holding steady through this wave. There are things we can be in control of during these strange, uncertain times. Allow all the feelings, listen to the intuition and become comfortable with any choices you make as we head into this Autumn Term.

I'm heading in to it with little expectation about what this school year will hold for my two. Under normal circumstances this would be a year full of expectations, firsts, lasts, celebrations and excitement. But in this current climate, I accept that these firsts, lasts and celebrations may look different and expectations now feel like questions. So, this September I chose to focus on what is right for our family health and wellbeing. And after that, well, we'll just take it day by day!