6 conversations to have with your child that will help them navigate friendships.

I think we can guarantee that at some point we will be helping our children navigate friendships. It's important for our children to enjoy good relationships with their peers, but friendships can be tricky! Kids are developing social and emotional skills such as empathy, the ability to resolve conflict and about the dynamics of good friendships. Add in complications such as individual emotional maturity  and regulation skills and it's no surprise our kids need some guidance on building quality friendships. 

There's 6 conversations I like to have regularly with my children to help them reflect on their friendships. Some I use generally to open conversations, and others I use at specific times to help them reflect on a situation. Let's have a look at them!

What is important to you in a friendship?
I believe it's a great question to ask. This question gets children thinking about their values and what really matters to them in their friendships.

Having this conversation means your child is prompted to explore the type of person he/she wants to spend time with and be close to, rather than 'following the crowd' or building a friendship simply because they sit next to someone. 

What is a good way to start talking to someone new?
Preparing our kids with social skills that make friendship building a little less awkward is crucial. Many children, especially introverts, those with social anxieties or lacking confidence will find it useful to have planned ahead of time when it comes to breaking the ice and making a new friend! It's a great way to start a conversation about first impressions and also break down the negative beliefs that can form around starting conversations with new people. Many kids believe they can't start a conversation, or that the new person won't want to speak to them. The reality is in new situations we're usually all a bit nervous and will be glad to have someone talk to us! 

What can you do to stay calm when you disagree with a friend?
Again, a good pre-emptive question to open a conversation about regulation skills in challenging moments. If your child is older, you might even go on to explore the concept of perception and how each of us can see the same situation a slightly different way. Empathy is an important part of relationships.

How can you show new people that you are friendly without saying a word?
Ooooh! A great self awareness raising question for your kid! Becoming aware of how we show up in the world is a great skill to develop. Often our own emotions such as nervousness, anxiety, fear, sadness or anger can show in our faces and body language, sending a message to people around us and possibly feeding our own negative self talk! Challenge your child to be conscious of their body language in new situations and observe what happens.

What would be the best thing to say to a friend who achieves something that you're still working on?
A little help with the envy monster can help your child avoid misunderstandings. It can be really tough on children when they see friends achieve something or gain something, so supporting them with a conversation around how to respond  best can help them regulate through the discomfort that comes with envy and jealousy. 

It can be easy for children to think negatively in these scenarios so why not get ahead and start teaching them that someone else's achievement doesn't impact their own. We're all on our own path and will get there in our own time. A kind 'well done' will make a friend feel good and your child can channel their envy into some extra effort and achieve themselves which makes an all round win win!

What might a friend have been feeling that lead to them doing that?
Ah, possibly the most important question to help children navigate friendships. Kids can do things that hurt our children's feelings and our mama bear can rise up into fierce protective mode. But, aside from bullying, which is an entirely different issue to handle, usually children do things or say unkind things because they are struggling or overwhelmed. This question does two things. It develops empathy, helping your child understand that their friend was probably having a hard time. But secondly, it helps them develop resilience. Knowing someone else's behaviour isn't about us is super empowering! It helps us stay emotionally grounded and bounce back from things that could otherwise lead to our own emotional dysregulation. It takes time, but I've done this for so long with my 11 year old that she is generally able to ground herself during stormy friendship moments because she can now look beyond the behaviour. It doesn't take away the hurt of a friendship fall out but it can most certainly lessen the impact. 

Try having these 6 conversations and watch your child develop their emotional intelligence!